March 19, 2011

John L. Pastore: A Struggle With Life

John L. Pastore: A Struggle With Life

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Home Page > Health > Diseases and Conditions > John L. Pastore: A Struggle With Life

John L. Pastore: A Struggle With Life

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Walking up to the doorstep of my father’s house with my mother, I felt terrified and sad; it took all of my courage to walk inside. Seeing my father literally laying on his death bed, looking so sickly. I tried to hold back my tears and be brave for him and my stepmother Cathy. He lay there, knowing his fate. It just blew my mind how positive he was. He had a picture of me by his bed, a picture of me that had been in the newspaper for winning an award. My father laid there telling me how incredibly proud he was of me. He talked to me and even gave me advice on men (I had just gotten out of my first real long-term relationship). He had said to me “Sara, do you know how he’s the one? When he’s the only one left.” I had no idea what that meant and still don’t, but I smiled and I listened, choking back my tears and trying to stay brave, for him.
A few weeks before all of this, he had been a healthy. A 5’10” Italian man, looking like he had just stepped off the set of the “Sopranos“. His voice was so extremely loud that even his whisper would hurt your ear drums. I can still to this day hear his loud boisterous voice in my head. He had olive skin, a big belly, and always wore turquoise colored jewelry. He cared so much for all four of his children: myself and my brother Curtis, our older half brother Matt, half sister Missy. I was always the closest with my father out of the four of us (even though my sister thinks she was), and also the youngest. My brothers, my sister and my mother would always tell me how I couldn’t understand what they had gone through. They thought that it was easier for me to be closer to him because I hadn’t experienced what they had. My oldest brother Matt, stopped talking to my father for approximately the last seven years of his life.
My father had a drinking problem before I was born. He went through two marriages while struggling with this problem. He struggled with his addiction and tried numerous times to get sober. He struggled through life, and did whatever he could to make a better life for himself after he got sober. He went through a lot to get sober, but finally accomplished it. Before he passed he had been sober for seventeen years.
So there I stood there looking at my father dying. A man who had such a rough life. He went from the very bottom and turned his life around. He was clean and sober. However, he had been a smoker most of his life, which greatly added to his death. I was so confused, mad, upset, furious, every single emotion ran through my body. Why? Why was this happening? I didn’t understand why this was happening. I thought God gave everyone second chances. My father had gotten his and took advantage of it. He became a better father, a wonderful grandfather, and a good husband to Cathy.
It was time for me to leave. Still trying so hard to be brave, for him. I gave him a huge hug and a kiss and walked out to the car with my mother. I had just turned eighteen, I was graduating from high school the following week. Would my father be able to see me walk across the stage? Would he be able to see my get my diploma? Would he be able to see me go off to college? Would he be able to walk me down the isle when I got married? I knew the answers to these questions, I just didn’t want to believe it.
John L. Pastore was born September 9, 1947 in Saratoga, NY (Upstate New York). His parents were Josephine and Alfred Pastore. They were traditional Italian parents, who screamed at each other in Italian frequently. My father had one brother, his name was Chuck. I don’t know much about him besides what my mother and sister have told me. I met him once, at my grandmother’s funeral. My mom told me to keep my distance because he was ‘crazy.’ I don’t really have memories of my Grandfather seeing as he passed away when I was around three. I do have many pictures of him though. A skinny man, with dark sunken in eyes, and a big nose. I have very vivid memories of my grandmother. She definitely scared me a little when I was younger. She was very loud and outspoken. She had grayish hair, she wore big glasses, and she always wore red lipstick. She passed away when I was in seventh grade.
My father grew up in Ballston Spa, New York, in an Italian neighborhood. They didn’t move around a lot, my father pretty much stayed in the same area until he got older. He lived in Syracuse for awhile, then moved to Fulton, and then lived in Oswego for the remainder of his life (all in Upstate New York). I don’t know too much about my father’s childhood, and now that he’s not around and none of his family members besides my sister and brothers are around, I have to just go on what I remember and what I have been told.
My grandparents didn’t drink and they never had drinking problems. I always thought was a little strange because I thought that alcoholism had to be genetic; that’s not the case. When my dad wasn’t drinking during the day he would be on valium to get him through until he could have that beer. Alcoholism is not always hereditary. Alcoholism can also be affected by someone’s environment and surroundings. If a person is out with friends and everyone is drinking, they may feel the pressure in that situation and want to drink. However, Alcoholism, is in some cases, linked to genetics.
According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), a person’s risk of developing alcoholism is 60% determined by his or her genetics and 40% caused by his or her environment (Soinski).

John met his second wife Mary (my mother) in 1975. They got married after two years of dating. My mother knew of the problem when she met him, but she was young and thought she could change him. My father had an alcohol addiction that grew as the marriage went on. John and Mary had their first child together in 1981, my brother Curtis. In 1986 they had me. My parents divorced soon after I was born; I was around nine months old when she left him. She had finally had enough of the drinking. I don’t remember the fights or the alcohol abuse. My mom says that my brother Curtis can still recall some memories, but he won’t talk about it. She said my dad would drink all day. He would go to work and then go out and drink. Drinking never affected his work, he always had a job and it never interfered. My mom also said that when he drank he would get mean and pushy, and also verbally abusive.
My sister, my brother Curtis, and I, have stayed away from consuming large amounts of alcohol. When we do drink, it is in moderation because we know alcohol addiction is something that could latch onto us. My brother Matt is following in the same footsteps of my father, the footsteps before he got sober.
My father had another addiction that added to his death: smoking. Smoking and drinking would go hand in hand for him. Smoking is the lead cause of Cancer in the United States, and leads to thousands of deaths. After my father stopped drinking he needed a substitute. There came his third addiction: coffee. I would never see my father without a cup of coffee with him. He always smelled like coffee and cigarettes. To this day, when I smell that combination, I get sad and think of my father. It’s very common to see someone out at a bar with a cigarette in their hand. It’s easy to smoke a cigarette and not drink, but it doesn’t look like it’s as easy to be able to drink and not have a cigarette. Smoking is just as addictive as drinking.
People get addicted to alcohol for many different reasons. “Alcohol triggers the release of dopamine- a chemical which produces feelings of satisfaction” (Ryan). If something satisfies you, you’re going to want to continue to do it to get that feeling again, which then would cause cravings and addictions (Ryan). Alcoholism is something that affects millions of families. In a study, it has shown that more than 30% of adults have had an alcohol abuse problem. This study is based on an interview conducted with more than 43,000 adults between the years of 2001 and 2002 (Hitti).
I am by no means trying to say that my father was perfect after he got sober. He was far from that. I can recall a moment in my life, when I was four years old that will stick with me forever. While my father was still an alcoholic he had gotten his pilot’s license and would fly a small private plane frequently, flying was his passion after he was sober. My brother and I had stayed over my father’s house for a weekend, which was located approximately forty five minutes from my mother’s house. He decided he would fly us home that day, and it’s a day that will always be graphic in my memory.
I was walking out to the plane with my brother and father thinking I was a cool little kid, I was walking around with my eyes closed. I said, “Daddy! Daddy! Watch me!” and then BOOM. I walked head first into the propeller of one of the air planes. Luckily the propeller was off, but it still sliced my forehead and top of my head open pretty wide; nineteen years later I still have the scar to prove it. I was completely shocked and scared, with blood dripping down my forehead and face. I can remember just running to him totally shook up not really believing what had just happened. I just wanted to get cleaned up and feel better. My dad didn’t take me to the hospital that day. He put me on the plane and flew me to my mother, who then took me to the hospital. I was so scared; I was just a little kid, and I had just walked into a propeller of an airplane! That’s just one example of the un-fatherly like things that my father had done. I believe that the alcohol could have effected him and his emotions in a way that maybe he didn’t know how to be a father in the nurturing way.
Alcohol effects many different areas of the brain, and at different times. “The limbic system controls emotions and memory. As alcohol effects this system, the person is subject to exaggerated states of emotion (anger, aggressiveness, withdrawal) and memory loss” (How). Even though at the time of my incident my father had been three or more years sober, the alcohol could have still affected his emotions.
My mother said by father was the best father that he could be. I didn’t understand what that meant until I got older. His emotions were different than other people’s emotions. He tried his best to be there for us, but his best was not always good enough, especially for my oldest brother Matt.
My father mixed mine and my sister’s names up all the time, along with my brothers’ names. This could have just been a mistake, many parents do that often. However, this could also have been an effect of the alcohol. Memory loss is one of the long term effects of drinking too much. “Not only can people fail to remember what went on during a heavy session, persistent heavy drinkers can develop memory loss problems” (Long). My father had a very limited memory, he forgot things quickly. As he got older, and when he was sick, his memory started to fade more and more.
I can’t talk to my brother Curtis about my father. I have tried numerous times but he won’t talk about him. He even gets angry at me when I try and ask questions about his childhood. My brother was young when my dad was around and had his drinking problem. My mom thinks he might remember the fights and my dad’s drunkenness. I tried asking him about it, he said he didn’t remember, he got angry with me and said, “Some things are better left unspoken.” This makes me wonder of what he did see and experience as a young child. He has a hard time expressing his emotions in general, but when it comes to my father he just closes up.
My sister has no problem talking to me about my father. We are a lot alike in that sense. From my understanding of the person he was back then, to the person he had become before he passed, there was a huge significant difference, and change, in a good way. When I was younger, I didn’t get to see my father as much as I would have liked to. As I got older, I was in charge of that. I could call him or my stepmother and tell them I was coming up for the weekend or that I wanted to see them. My father also called me more to talk and wanted to see me more as I got older. I had really tried to get close to my dad the last couple years of his life. And he really tried to be a better father, which he accomplished. When I was younger he was just beginning to get sober, and as I got older he got more secure with his sobriety, which made him more secure as a father.
People tend to drink for many different reasons. It may help them relax, or reduce their anxiety, it may even help deal with stress. Alcohol only helps with these problems in the short-term sense. In reality drinking will only make someone’s problems get worse (Ryan).
My father went to AA meetings frequently, they are what helped him get sober and make it through. AA stands for Alcoholics Anonymous, they are a group of recovering alcoholics who meet together to talk about their struggles with alcohol. My father was the type of person who loved to talk about himself. He just loved to talk, period. AA was a great way for him to get out how he was feeling and express his emotions about his addiction. If it wasn’t for AA, I’m not sure if my father would have ever have gotten sober. Alcoholism is a disease; a disease that is extremely hard to recover from. In the big blue book called Alcoholics Anonymous it says, “If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it goes annihilation of all things worth while in life (Alcoholics 18).” Nobody feels sorry for an alcoholic; they feel angry and hurt. This is probably because alcoholism is a disease that can be controlled, whereas cancer is not. In Alcoholics Anonymous they believe in finding a spiritual power to guide them to be sober. The big book of AA talks about God being the spiritual power, and leading them to get back in control of their lives. The book also talks about not having to believe in God to get sober, but believing in a higher spiritual power, whatever someone’s beliefs may be. My father believed in that higher spiritual power. He didn’t go to Church often, but I knew God was what changed him, what made him want to be sober.
I recently attended my first Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon is for children or spouses of an alcoholic. It was not what I expected at all. What I had been expecting was a group of people, both men and women. I pictured them sitting in a big circle, discussing their difficulties with their spouses and family members drinking problems. It was all women. There were no men there, only women talking about their problems with men. It is very rare that your hear of a man talking about his abusive alcoholic wife; it is usually the reversed situation. “Alcoholism is 2-½ times more common in men than women” (Need). A person’s emotional status, problems with a job or in a family, as well as someone’s hormones are counted for when determining this factor (Need). You would think that a woman’s emotional state, and problems in her life would drive her to drink more frequently than a male. Women tend to drink alone more often than men do. Men go out to bars and drink with their friends, they may do it in a social scene more often than a woman would.
Alcoholism is a disease that starts off gradually. A person may have one or two drinks in moderation but as time goes on those drink could increase to the point where they cannot control themselves any longer (Alcoholics 21). “Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it “ (Alcoholics23). Some people may blame work or their spouse, but in actuality that’s not why they drink. In Alcoholics Anonymous, there is a quote, often heard but it is also very true, “’Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic”’ (Alcoholics 33). An alcoholic is always an alcoholic, whether their sober or not. If they were to take one sib of alcohol they would fall right back into the addiction. There are symptoms associated with Alcoholism: Cravings, control loss, withdrawal symptoms and a high tolerance (Hitti). A paragraph in the Alcoholics Anonymous book that I feel like many people can relate to goes as follows:
More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his
heart he doesn’t deserve it (73).

I haven’t spoken to my oldest brother Matt in about eleven years, so asking him about my father won’t work. He stopped talking to my dad for about the last seven years of his life. To this day I do not know the full story behind that. The conclusion which makes the most sense is that my dad was never there for Matt when he was young. He divorced his mother and married mine, along with my father’s strong alcohol addiction. Matt didn’t go see my father when he was sick, he didn’t even go to the wake or funeral.
People need to take into huge consideration the children and spouses of the alcoholic. That person’s disease affects their loved ones more than they may think. They can push people away, or create worse problems and difficulties in their lives. Someone who grows up in an alcoholic environment could develop an addiction of their own. One of the things that they teach you at Al-Anon is not to give advice, but to give guidance. They don’t tell a person how to live their life, but try to lead by example and show them the right thing to do. The loved ones of the alcoholic often need as much help in their lives than the actual alcoholic needs for recovery.
I sat in this meeting, feeling totally lost and out of place. I am a product of an alcoholic but I didn’t experience the alcoholism first hand. I sat there and listened to these women’s stories about their problems and issues with men in their life. I had nothing to say but I just listened, and me being there just to listen to them helped them cope with what they were dealing with.
Alcoholics Anonymous has a twelve step process for recovery. Al-Anon uses those twelve steps for their own recovery. “In Al-Anon, we strive for an ever-deeper understanding of these Steps, and pray for the wisdom to apply them to our lives” (Al-Anon). These women in this meeting lived by these twelve steps. They memorized them and knew them all off the top of their heads. They applied these steps to their everyday life, and literately lived by them.
The first step in AA is, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable” (Al-Anon). This step seems prominent in what made my father want to change. His life had become unmanageable, his wife leaving him and possibly losing contact with his children. He decided to adapt to these twelve steps and change his life.
Step number nine states, “Made a list of all persons we harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all” (Al-Anon). After reading these steps, particularly this one, I began to have a better understanding of what my dad went through to become sober. He began to make amends with his children, even with the one who was unwilling.
John Pastore influenced and touched many people in his life, myself being one of them. He made me want to be a better person and want to better myself. I hope that I can make him proud and follow in his footsteps of being a successful woman, without turning to drugs or alcohol to help me through my problems.
My father was only sick a short time before he passed away. It all happened so fast it was hard to take in. it’s been four years and I’m still coping with his death. One day my father had called me and told me that he had pains in his legs, that he went to the hospital but everything would be ok. A week later I had gotten a call from my stepmother telling me that my dad could no longer walk and that he was in the hospital, she was upset but optimistic. A few days later he was in the Intensive Care unit.
He had been a smoker most of his life, and the drinking added to it. His aorta was clogged with plaque from the smoking and drinking. He lost all circulation in his legs, and then to the rest of his body. He was hooked up to dialyses for a week or so. When he was in the hospital his mind was all mixed up. He barely knew who I was, he thought he was still married to my mom and he didn’t know who is wife was.
He decided he didn’t want to go out as a vegetable, so he went off the dialyses and went home, knowing he would only live a few days after being off of it. The last time I saw my father, he was sickly and pale and it was so hard to look at him. However, the last time I saw my father really made me proud to be his daughter. He told me he was proud of me, and it showed me the fighter he really was. But little did he know how proud of him I was. I have so much pride inside of me to say that my father was seventeen years sober. To see a man who went from having an addiction that messed up his whole life, to a father who tried very hard to be there for his children and wife.
Exactly one week after my father passed I graduated from high school. It was one of the hardest days of my life, not having my dad there to see me walk across the stage. I was very naïve when he was sick, I really thought there would be a chance he would be there. However, I knew he was watching me from a higher place. When I walked across the stage they handed me my diploma as well as a rose. They had told us to give the rose to someone who had made an impact in our lives, and influenced us. I knew exactly where that rose was going. I met my stepmother outside the auditorium and asked her if she would put the rose on my fathers grave for me. He has influenced my life in ways that I’m just beginning to understand.

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sara –
About the Author:

Sara Pastore- A SUNY Purchase college graduate living in the bronx. Artist and part time model.

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